GirlinSTL Life

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Thoughts on living alone...

Living alone can have its pros and cons.... I spent a year learning "life skills"- being organized, taking care of myself, learning how to cook, paying bills/budgeting etc so this is much easier for me to already have a structure. Cons: Can be very lonely, especially after you get home and there's no one to greet you. No emotional support if things get hard. I need to get out- isolation and silence is not good for me. The idle mind is the devil's workshop- keep busy. Rumination thrives in stillness and inactivity- the mind with nothing to anchor it. Go for a walk. Notice the plants/animals. Work is a lot more , no chores are divided. Need to do Focusmate or something for yucky chores like dishes or folding laundry. Finances are also completely on your own- no one to share the finances with Can be HORRIBLE if you have no self discipline Need to make your own social life- go out, talk to people on the phone, etc. But still, not that bad. Have a hard time going to bed at a reasonable time. Pros: You learn to rely on yourself, and it's not as difficult as you may think. I can feel myself getting stronger emotionally. I'm not as fragile as I assumed myself to be and I can handle more things than I see myself as capable of currently. My capacity will continue to grow. That self-trust is enormous- being able to rely on yourself and know that I'm capable of taking care of me. I can build routines if I'm not good at things! I can improve! Things don't stay the same. You get to know yourself- if you're lazy on the weekend, then you pick yourself back up Monday and get into your routine- need a routine and structure, very important. FREEDOM- freedom to do whatever you want- which is less great then it seems. I just spent 8 hours reading a book on Sunday and no one there to tell me to stop or what to do. I found myself not taking meds or brushing, etc especially on the weekends. Not going out to exercise- I skipped both of my workouts. Not always good to have complete freedom. Also you have so many responsibilities that you don't have that much time. But then I also danced around the house completely unself-consciously and in a very silly way- not something I would be comfortable doing in front of anyone. Regarding anxiety- things really aren't as scary as they seem and you can survive anything - you have before. Can sleep as much as you want to without anyone saying anything. If you don't do the dishes or if they pile up, no one to say anything- which can be a bad thing. It's been really good for my anxiety/mental health though just because (1) I'm not ruminating on my unstable relationship and I'm getting enough sleep whereas before I wouldn't get any sleep because I was worried (2) no H to say things like "you'll pay for the consequences" which puts me in a spiral or things that destabalize emotional security (3) I'm not afraid of him telling me I forgot something. Which isn't a big deal anyways now- He tells me that I can tell him anything, and that he only tells me if I miss doing the pothu like 1 out of 5 times, but I've been burned badly before by his comments where he said he felt like a "caretaker" and I was a slob where I wasn't showering etc so I feel like I have to always be on alert or on edge to make sure I'm not regressing back to that because he's already had a bad impression of me before. Like I didn't do the dishes for like 3 days when he wasn't here- and I was completely relaxed and of course I did them because I have my limits on dirtiness as well. But if he was there, it would've been cleaned up before just because I don't want him to ever see me in that light again. But also because of that, I can't relax. And he's told me I don't have to worry about the dishes because when he's lived alone, they would pile up for a week! And the bathroom was even worse! And he's told me that humans are dolls that make mistakes- very different than initial conversations where "can't tolerate others mistakes" But you should want to clean because it's the right thing to do and mess is unhygenic to live in, not because he told you to, because it became a habit. And you do, you have a limit on your own mess. Counter: But you've changed in a year- that was you before and you definitely shower most of the time, and -- Now the test is can you have this level of relaxation when he comes back? -- The key at least for the last part: I've also been looking into Buddhism and really like what it has to say about- yourself being an island that you rely on, and being strong enough to get through anything. Not hoping for the world to be certain, but to have the capability and capacity to handle anything. And because uncertainty is not the enemy- a fixed, predetermined life where everything you knew was in your control would be a prison. The fact that things can change means things can get better. You lost your job but you got another one, and got promoted at that one. Uncertainty is the same quality that makes growth, surprise and renewal possible. Need to have Equanimity- Upekkha - stable quality of mind that is not destroyed by good or bad circumstances - like a deep ocean- storms rage on the surface but the depths remain still - You can care deeply about your job/relationship and AND are not destabilized by uncertainty about outcomes - Coming out from anxious attachment style to a secure style - Developed gradually through meditation- learning to let go of attachments - The person who has placed all their security outside themselves will always be anxious because they are dependent on what they can't control Also, it's good to get my mind off of H and make my life bigger than him. Then I'm not affected so much by what he says and the relationship. Good to no longer have the fear about him or fear about the relationship. Even if it's like 50 good/50 peaceful, living alone is like 100 peaceful. My mental health being good and me being happy and not "scared"/ruminating is worth way more than any free coffees/vacations that I get. Or even him telling me I'm pretty and desired. When codependent, I thought I needed that, but living alone, I don't. I don't need validation and I'm happy just doing my own thing and going out for walks, having fun, taking care of myself, exercising. I don't need "someone" to live with because I can't handle being alone, or I can't handle life without them. I'm happy alone, even in the lonely parts, and I can build my community and friends, especially if I live in a city, not St. Louis. I am able to build my own routine. I am able to give myself structure. I can take care of myself, I can cook, I can pay bills by myself. Taking someone's help is fine, but I can live without H's help. Not scary to live without H or parents. And I feel freedom and pride at being able to handle things by myself. Even hard things I'm able to get through. And dying alone isn't as scary as one might think- everyone eventually dies alone. Even traveling alone is fun- can be hard and exhausting to manage everything alone but Even when I lived in St. Louis for a month, my mental health was so much better and I was again rid of the anxiety. If it costs you your peace, it's too expensive.

Tuesday, April 21, 2026

Things I've learned after 1 year of marriage

Here are things that I've learned in 1 year of marriage: - Be prepared for marriage- it's not all butterflies and roses. Especially if it's an arranged marriage or even when it's not- When you move in with someone, you need to know how to: - Not only cook, but meal plan - Be able to share chores - Remember things like taking the trash out, or wiping the countertop every night. - Don't expect you and your partner to learn it together or for them to teach you- your partner is a working adult with no time to be someone's mentor, especially if they're not the most patient person. Ask about their expectations when you move in- will they help teach you cook, how patient will they be, are they willing to give you a "grace period" while you learn if you've lived with your parents before? - If they tell you they're not a patient person and they expect you to hit the ground running or prepare as much as possible, then you know the level of expectation. - Also take care of any financial debt/medical bills as much as possible. If you have habits of neglecting medical appointments or procrastinating, need to work on that. You're going to handle electricity, utility, apartment bills as a household when you move in, very different from just living with your parents. - Intimacy issues- unfortunate but if you even had an inkling you had intimacy issues and vaginismus, you should've gotten help for it before since you would be expected to do that in marriage. -Hygeine issues- Make sure you don't forget to take your medications, stretch, shower everyday. Very basic things but someone with adhd can forget. - If you haven't traveled a lot, need to know how to get to the train/bus/plane on time, map out route, how to pack, how to budget for a trip, get your medications. I really like it what Mark Manson said here: Get Your Shit Together Alright, time for some tough love here: No one wants to date a project. I’m not saying you have to be perfect in every area of your life. But if you’ve got emotional problems or health problems or money problems or work problems or major family problems—you’re far better off getting those areas handled first before you drag someone else into it too. Some big areas to focus on, if you don’t already: Your physical health. Eat right. Move your body a little more. And get some goddamn sleep already. Get your medical issues/medications in order and be able to manage.If you're overweight or have high blood pressure, need to control that because your health is going to affect your partner as well. Your mental health. Get the stress in your life under control. Find ways to get out into nature more. See a therapist if you have lingering emotional issues you can’t seem to figure out. If you have adhd or anxiety- make sure it's under control and make sure your partner knows. Even if partner knows, understand if they're not patient, it might be too much for them if you have adhd/anxiety + are basically a project. Need to be independent and able to manage your stuff like a functional, self sufficient adult or it might create resentment especially with how much they help you. They might get super frustrated with you if it takes more time than expected or if they have to constantly help you. Your finances. Get your financial house in order. Build some savings. Pay down debt. Learn the basics about investing. Your job. No one likes to hear someone constantly complain about their job. If you hate your job, start looking for a new one. Or if you're in a dead end job, or one that doesn't pay enough for the cost of city you live in, need to be ambitious and start looking for a new one. - Your partner wants someone that can contribute meaningfully and build a life with. Someone that contributes to finances, to the relationship, and is ready to build a home and family with someday. Not someone that can't even take care of themselves. - Have a servant's heart. Learn to not be selfish and always take from your partner. Be generous and give. Marriage is not about taking, it's what 2 people can give together. - Take care of yourself. Dress well. Present yourself well, Be clean/shower/wear perfume. Wear good shoes and clothes. - Self improvement- always be improving because you want to make you a better you, not for the other person. ----------------------------------------- Emotional Tips: - Don't get defensive, be able to take constructive criticism without getting offended or being able to say- well you have your stuff to work on as well. It's true and accept that you basically came into the relationship as a project while Harshad had most of his shit together. You got offended and made a list for him to work on as well since you got offended that you had a lot of stuff to work on. But if you had taken it well, wouldn't have caused issues. Criticism should not feel like an attack to you, something to work on. - Don't keep score: Your husband does not have the most patience and said some hurtful words to you. You're going to need to accept that this is the way he is, and if you can't, leave. Yes when he felt like he was your caretaker, he did have hurtful words to say. Cultivate Self-Respect and Independence: Take care of yourself financially, emotionally, and physically. A relationship should complement your life, not be the sole source of your happiness. Learn to Manage Conflict: Develop the ability to handle disagreements without emotional collapse, withdrawal, or attacking the other person. Don't just see yourself as the victim- oh poor me, I have adhd/anxiety, I needed more time to settle, my partner wasn't patient enough. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE AND IMPROVING IT. We are responsible for experiences that aren’t our fault all the time. This is part of life. Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense. Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making every second of every day. You are choosing to read this. You are choosing to think about the concepts. You are choosing to accept or reject the concepts. It may be my fault that you think my ideas are lame, but you are responsible for coming to your own conclusions. It’s not your fault that I chose to write this sentence, but you are still responsible for choosing whether to read it or not. There’s a difference between blaming someone else for your situation and them being responsible for your situation. Nobody else is ever responsible for your situation but you. Many people may be to blame for your unhappiness, but nobody is ever responsible for your unhappiness but you. This is because you always get to choose how you see things, how you react to things. You always get to choose which metric with which to measure your experiences with. I can choose to see my experience from my lens- as the fact that I have adhd/anxiety, I should've had a more supportive/patient partner, but the world doesn't work like that. If I look at it from his lens, he was expecting someone independent/self sufficient, someone prepared ready to live a life with him and he didn't get that. And was understandably frustrated. You were basically a project- that's true. You had no clue how to live on your own or how the real world worked, and although he got impatient with you, he improved on his patience and he dealt with the situation the best he could. Stop blaming him. Don't focus on reassuring him either when he says he's unhappy, just take as much action as you can and stay positive. Take Responsibility Instead of Blaming Others We all know someone who always seems to blame someone else (or everyone else) for their problems: The man who blames his “lying shitbag of an ex” for all of his current relationship problems. He’d be alot better off if he’d just acknowledge that things didn’t work out and that he was a bad partner at times and then work to address that. The coworker who constantly falls short of their performance goals and blames the culture in the office, or the economy, or basically anything but their incompetence. Just admit when you need help with something and find someone who can help you get better. The woman who blames all men—not just one man, but all men—for her terrible dating life. As a general rule, if you’re trying to figure out if it’s between half of the population all having the exact same problem or if it’s, perhaps, just you—well, I have some bad news: I did the math and it’s extremely likely that it’s you. So start there. The reason taking responsibility for your problems is so powerful is because it puts you in control of the solution. When you blame others, you’re handing over control to everyone and everything around you and—SPOILER ALERT—you can’t control everyone and everything around you. You may not be to blame for your current shitty situation, but stepping up and saying that you’re going to take care of it is a fucking power move. A power move. It shows you’re not fazed by external pressures to look, act, or feel a certain way—that instead you accept reality for what it is and set out to work with what you have. And it’s a shining example of vulnerability because you’re saying “I have a problem. I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. I can deal with it, and I will deal with it.” --- The number one skill to learn: - Don't blame others, take responsibility for your own flaws/issues. The ability to see one’s own flaws and be accountable for them.- Because the fact is that problems are inevitable. Every relationship will run into fights and each person will run up against their emotional baggage at various times. How long the relationship lasts and how well it goes comes down to both people being willing and able to recognize the snags in themselves and communicate them openly. Think of your love interest and ask yourself, “If I gave him/her honest, constructive criticism about how I think he/she could be better, how would they react?” Would they throw a huge fit? Cause drama? Blame you and criticize you back? Claim you don’t love them? Storm out and make you chase after them? Or would they appreciate your perspective, and even if hurts a little or if it’s uncomfortable, even if there was a little bit of an emotional outburst at first, would they eventually consider it and be willing to talk about it? Without blaming or shaming. Without causing unnecessary drama. Without trying to make you jealous or angry. --- Law of fuck yes or no The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that, in dating and relationships, both parties must be a “fuck yes” about each other. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them. The Law of Fuck Yes or No applies to meeting and dating someone, sex, long-term relationships, hell, even friendships. If you meet someone and one or both of you aren’t a “fuck yes” for seeing each other again, that’s a “fuck no.” If you go on a first date and aren’t a “fuck yes” about a second date, that’s a “fuck no.” In any long-term relationship, problems arise and arguments are bound to happen. But a good sign of being “fuck yes” with someone is that you still want to be together even when you’re pissing each other off. When you think about it, the Law of Fuck Yes or No is actually a byproduct of everything we’ve covered so far. Non-needy people who take care of themselves and communicate honestly don’t have time for people who play games or are wishy-washy about being with them. They have too much self-respect and don’t care about what wishy-washy people think of them. And so, if you take nothing else away from this, just know that the way to find true love is to be the best version of yourself and do it unapologetically and without shame. You’ll attract people into your life who connect with you on your level and, just as importantly, you’ll weed out all the people who don’t. We all love to take responsibility for success and happiness. Hell, we often fight over who gets to be responsible for success and happiness. But taking responsibility for our problems is far more important, because that’s where the real learning comes from. That’s where the real life improvement comes from. And to simply blame others is only hurting yourself. When H tells you that you have problems, don't get scared. Accept and tell him you'll work on it, and start taking actions that very day. Be a problem finder, not a solution finder. - Have high self esteem, don't be needy. ----- Core components in the relationshp: Respect in the relationship means that you both hold each other in high regard. When you respect someone, you admire them for certain qualities they possess and/or the character they embody. Trust in each other means you take each other at your word. If one person says they’re going to do something, the other person assumes they’ll do as they say. If someone makes a mistake, the other person expects them to be honest and tell them. In fact, trust really just comes down to each person being completely honest with the other, even when it’s uncomfortable. Affection in healthy relationships is freely given and received. Healthy couples don’t need to remind themselves to show their partner that they love and appreciate them. They just do. And the recipient receives affection with affection rather than turning it away or taking it for granted. If physical contact and sex are important for the relationship, each person engages enthusiastically (of course, no one will always be “in the mood,” but for the most part, this should hold true). -------- Whatever mistake was made, a few things need to happen for the relationship to be fully restored: Give it some time. The sting of the mistake just naturally wears off with time. If you fucked up, give the other person some space to process the situation. If they fucked up, tell them you need a little time to think it over. Make sure it’s a one-time mistake. Acknowledging your mistake is one thing, but being responsible and accountable for it by committing to not doing it again shows the other person you’re serious about the relationship. Repeat offenders—when it’s something that truly threatens the relationship—should be avoided at all costs. The other person must be open to forgiveness (eventually). Even if some time has passed and the person who made the mistake has given an honest, true effort to never do it again, it doesn’t mean that the “victim” must be willing to forgive them. Marriage prep videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48saHSYfbsM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgI8vZdDky0 https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RMv0vMx-FMM -

Friday, September 27, 2024

This is all there is

It's so funny to me how many illusions the mind has that we don't even confront and just let flow on and they become a part of our base reality. One of these is the "I'll be happy when" illusion. This is the one that's controlling my life right now. I'll be happy when I look a certain way. I'll be happy when I gain a certain amount of money. I'll be happy when I'll be happy when. In the meantime the time and youth we currently have slips quietly out of our hands and so we try to grab it more. Ironically, the years where we were the most insecure and most envious of others' beauty were the ones where we were most beautiful, in our youth. It's important to learn this young so you don't try to slather yourself with creams , trying to get back to a snapshot of a time that will never come back. What delusion is this ? That there's going to be a "fixed" point of time after which I won't have any more struggles. I might be more at peace but there will always be struggles. And the fixed point of time is not even real because everything is constantly, constantly moving. The earth moves around the sun. Time flows on, steady, since the day you were born. We are constant and always in motion. Not only physically, but who we are changes as well from year to year and the experiences we have. I think that happiness is in motion and always having goals. If I stopped having goals and doing things, I would die. Happiness is being in motion and having goals while knowing that we will ALWAYS be in progress, up until the moment we die. It's an illusion that once we fix ourselves and gain everything we want, then we'll be "perfect". No. There will always be something else. There will always be another struggle or another flaw or dream or wish or desire. Stop imagining a future self where everything is perfect and you look the way you want and you have the money you want. Because even if you have all of that, I PROMISE. I PROMISE you're never going to be at your maximum happiness. Even lottery winners' baseline happiness evens out. It's called the hedonic treamill sweetheart. The unhappiest person is the one who has it all, who has everything he wants. Because if he has everything, there's nothing left to strive for. There's no reason to work hard. When you can afford to take all the trips you want, no trip is really that important. When you can afford anything you want, nothing seems *that* desirable because it's right in your reach. You don't have to yearn for it and want it so everything's a little "meh". I promise that if you woke up and were a millionare for a long time, and didn't have to work, and could take trips whenever and buy whatever, eventually the world would seem rather bland. It might seem great for a bit. Would you really even be all into the things you wanted to do and the goals you wanted to accomplish? Taking away the need to do something would make your desire for it a lot less. Repeat to yourself. This is all there is. This is all there is. This is all there is. The most precious gift you ever could have- life, and time are already in your grasp. You already have them. Not only the time and life, but the awareness that this is the most precious gift. A lot of people spend their life wanting and wishing for other things and at the end, are so surprised that life came to an end so suddenly. Did you know that even cancer survivors, what they wish for, is to just have more time to do stuff and just more time to be and exist and experience LIFE ? Rainy days and sunny days, and all the days in between. To wake up every morning and to have another full day wide ahead of you. That's the greatest gift that we have. They don't wish for stuff on their bucket list, they just want more TIME with their loved ones and to be a human.

Tuesday, July 30, 2024

I'm already that girl

I'm already her. The one that slides my hands over my smooth legs and admires my skin. The one that decorates her toes in a warning black, that wears shiny diamond anklets. The one that takes care of herself and has a skincare routine. The one that exercises every day. The girl that dresses how she wants. That girl. The one that always smells like lavendar on a summer day, that has a sweet smile and jet black hair. The one that can bite and blush as needed. Here's a secret though. The girl doesn't exist on the outside. Her outside is a reflection of her inside. She feels her beauty within. “Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” Sophia Loren She feels it when she is grounded and confident. She feels it when she's coming from a place of supply and not lack. She feels it when she's listening to certain Beyonce songs. She doesn't need it from anyone else.

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Important New Year's Resolutions For Scatterbrained Me

2024 update- oh you sweet sweet thing- you're scatterbrained because you have ADHD. Some tips: - A- you know your social now so no need to memorize it. Meds helped ;) - B- be yourself. its fine to take inspiration from others but you shouldn't idealize others the way you do. In 2024 you like yourself and you accept yourself the way you are - because you're stuck with yourself. you are already confident and you have good enough social skills to get jobs and keep jobs. You're fine- don't obsess over it.
Make a poster that has these things:

1. What is your SS #?
Write it down and cover it, and whenever you walk by, try to guess it.

2. Make a folder of Long Term Imp Stuff and Shot Term Imp Stuff.
Long Term Includes: College Classes for Degree
Short Term Includes: Insurance Reimbursement from Accident

3. Confidence: Make a list of people whose confidence you like.
Sharleen Joynt
Chrissy Teigen
Pao Mayfield
Ailee Halo
Kassandra
Sierra
Kiss&Cry
Amelia Rose Earhart
Rachel Parent

Malala
Rachel Maddow
CL
Bohye
Ji Hyun
Gahi/Kahi/Gahee
Chimamananda Ngochi Adiche
Amal Clooney
"strong minded, independent, outgoing person "

Steps to Have this type of Confidence
Join Toastmasters Again
Join Mock Trial/Debate Club
Also, you can't have this type of confidence if you are insecure in what you are saying.