Things I've learned after 1 year of marriage

Here are things that I've learned in 1 year of marriage: - Be prepared for marriage- it's not all butterflies and roses. Especially if it's an arranged marriage or even when it's not- When you move in with someone, you need to know how to: - Not only cook, but meal plan - Be able to share chores - Remember things like taking the trash out, or wiping the countertop every night. - Don't expect you and your partner to learn it together or for them to teach you- your partner is a working adult with no time to be someone's mentor, especially if they're not the most patient person. Ask about their expectations when you move in- will they help teach you cook, how patient will they be, are they willing to give you a "grace period" while you learn if you've lived with your parents before? - If they tell you they're not a patient person and they expect you to hit the ground running or prepare as much as possible, then you know the level of expectation. - Also take care of any financial debt/medical bills as much as possible. If you have habits of neglecting medical appointments or procrastinating, need to work on that. You're going to handle electricity, utility, apartment bills as a household when you move in, very different from just living with your parents. - Intimacy issues- unfortunate but if you even had an inkling you had intimacy issues and vaginismus, you should've gotten help for it before since you would be expected to do that in marriage. -Hygeine issues- Make sure you don't forget to take your medications, stretch, shower everyday. Very basic things but someone with adhd can forget. - If you haven't traveled a lot, need to know how to get to the train/bus/plane on time, map out route, how to pack, how to budget for a trip, get your medications. I really like it what Mark Manson said here: Get Your Shit Together Alright, time for some tough love here: No one wants to date a project. I’m not saying you have to be perfect in every area of your life. But if you’ve got emotional problems or health problems or money problems or work problems or major family problems—you’re far better off getting those areas handled first before you drag someone else into it too. Some big areas to focus on, if you don’t already: Your physical health. Eat right. Move your body a little more. And get some goddamn sleep already. Get your medical issues/medications in order and be able to manage.If you're overweight or have high blood pressure, need to control that because your health is going to affect your partner as well. Your mental health. Get the stress in your life under control. Find ways to get out into nature more. See a therapist if you have lingering emotional issues you can’t seem to figure out. If you have adhd or anxiety- make sure it's under control and make sure your partner knows. Even if partner knows, understand if they're not patient, it might be too much for them if you have adhd/anxiety + are basically a project. Need to be independent and able to manage your stuff like a functional, self sufficient adult or it might create resentment especially with how much they help you. They might get super frustrated with you if it takes more time than expected or if they have to constantly help you. Your finances. Get your financial house in order. Build some savings. Pay down debt. Learn the basics about investing. Your job. No one likes to hear someone constantly complain about their job. If you hate your job, start looking for a new one. Or if you're in a dead end job, or one that doesn't pay enough for the cost of city you live in, need to be ambitious and start looking for a new one. - Your partner wants someone that can contribute meaningfully and build a life with. Someone that contributes to finances, to the relationship, and is ready to build a home and family with someday. Not someone that can't even take care of themselves. - Have a servant's heart. Learn to not be selfish and always take from your partner. Be generous and give. Marriage is not about taking, it's what 2 people can give together. - Take care of yourself. Dress well. Present yourself well, Be clean/shower/wear perfume. Wear good shoes and clothes. - Self improvement- always be improving because you want to make you a better you, not for the other person. ----------------------------------------- Emotional Tips: - Don't get defensive, be able to take constructive criticism without getting offended or being able to say- well you have your stuff to work on as well. It's true and accept that you basically came into the relationship as a project while Harshad had most of his shit together. You got offended and made a list for him to work on as well since you got offended that you had a lot of stuff to work on. But if you had taken it well, wouldn't have caused issues. Criticism should not feel like an attack to you, something to work on. - Don't keep score: Your husband does not have the most patience and said some hurtful words to you. You're going to need to accept that this is the way he is, and if you can't, leave. Yes when he felt like he was your caretaker, he did have hurtful words to say. Cultivate Self-Respect and Independence: Take care of yourself financially, emotionally, and physically. A relationship should complement your life, not be the sole source of your happiness. Learn to Manage Conflict: Develop the ability to handle disagreements without emotional collapse, withdrawal, or attacking the other person. Don't just see yourself as the victim- oh poor me, I have adhd/anxiety, I needed more time to settle, my partner wasn't patient enough. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE AND IMPROVING IT. We are responsible for experiences that aren’t our fault all the time. This is part of life. Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense. Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making every second of every day. You are choosing to read this. You are choosing to think about the concepts. You are choosing to accept or reject the concepts. It may be my fault that you think my ideas are lame, but you are responsible for coming to your own conclusions. It’s not your fault that I chose to write this sentence, but you are still responsible for choosing whether to read it or not. There’s a difference between blaming someone else for your situation and them being responsible for your situation. Nobody else is ever responsible for your situation but you. Many people may be to blame for your unhappiness, but nobody is ever responsible for your unhappiness but you. This is because you always get to choose how you see things, how you react to things. You always get to choose which metric with which to measure your experiences with. I can choose to see my experience from my lens- as the fact that I have adhd/anxiety, I should've had a more supportive/patient partner, but the world doesn't work like that. If I look at it from his lens, he was expecting someone independent/self sufficient, someone prepared ready to live a life with him and he didn't get that. And was understandably frustrated. You were basically a project- that's true. You had no clue how to live on your own or how the real world worked, and although he got impatient with you, he improved on his patience and he dealt with the situation the best he could. Stop blaming him. Don't focus on reassuring him either when he says he's unhappy, just take as much action as you can and stay positive. Take Responsibility Instead of Blaming Others We all know someone who always seems to blame someone else (or everyone else) for their problems: The man who blames his “lying shitbag of an ex” for all of his current relationship problems. He’d be alot better off if he’d just acknowledge that things didn’t work out and that he was a bad partner at times and then work to address that. The coworker who constantly falls short of their performance goals and blames the culture in the office, or the economy, or basically anything but their incompetence. Just admit when you need help with something and find someone who can help you get better. The woman who blames all men—not just one man, but all men—for her terrible dating life. As a general rule, if you’re trying to figure out if it’s between half of the population all having the exact same problem or if it’s, perhaps, just you—well, I have some bad news: I did the math and it’s extremely likely that it’s you. So start there. The reason taking responsibility for your problems is so powerful is because it puts you in control of the solution. When you blame others, you’re handing over control to everyone and everything around you and—SPOILER ALERT—you can’t control everyone and everything around you. You may not be to blame for your current shitty situation, but stepping up and saying that you’re going to take care of it is a fucking power move. A power move. It shows you’re not fazed by external pressures to look, act, or feel a certain way—that instead you accept reality for what it is and set out to work with what you have. And it’s a shining example of vulnerability because you’re saying “I have a problem. I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. I can deal with it, and I will deal with it.” --- The number one skill to learn: - Don't blame others, take responsibility for your own flaws/issues. The ability to see one’s own flaws and be accountable for them.- Because the fact is that problems are inevitable. Every relationship will run into fights and each person will run up against their emotional baggage at various times. How long the relationship lasts and how well it goes comes down to both people being willing and able to recognize the snags in themselves and communicate them openly. Think of your love interest and ask yourself, “If I gave him/her honest, constructive criticism about how I think he/she could be better, how would they react?” Would they throw a huge fit? Cause drama? Blame you and criticize you back? Claim you don’t love them? Storm out and make you chase after them? Or would they appreciate your perspective, and even if hurts a little or if it’s uncomfortable, even if there was a little bit of an emotional outburst at first, would they eventually consider it and be willing to talk about it? Without blaming or shaming. Without causing unnecessary drama. Without trying to make you jealous or angry. --- Law of fuck yes or no The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that, in dating and relationships, both parties must be a “fuck yes” about each other. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them. The Law of Fuck Yes or No applies to meeting and dating someone, sex, long-term relationships, hell, even friendships. If you meet someone and one or both of you aren’t a “fuck yes” for seeing each other again, that’s a “fuck no.” If you go on a first date and aren’t a “fuck yes” about a second date, that’s a “fuck no.” In any long-term relationship, problems arise and arguments are bound to happen. But a good sign of being “fuck yes” with someone is that you still want to be together even when you’re pissing each other off. When you think about it, the Law of Fuck Yes or No is actually a byproduct of everything we’ve covered so far. Non-needy people who take care of themselves and communicate honestly don’t have time for people who play games or are wishy-washy about being with them. They have too much self-respect and don’t care about what wishy-washy people think of them. And so, if you take nothing else away from this, just know that the way to find true love is to be the best version of yourself and do it unapologetically and without shame. You’ll attract people into your life who connect with you on your level and, just as importantly, you’ll weed out all the people who don’t. We all love to take responsibility for success and happiness. Hell, we often fight over who gets to be responsible for success and happiness. But taking responsibility for our problems is far more important, because that’s where the real learning comes from. That’s where the real life improvement comes from. And to simply blame others is only hurting yourself. When H tells you that you have problems, don't get scared. Accept and tell him you'll work on it, and start taking actions that very day. Be a problem finder, not a solution finder. - Have high self esteem, don't be needy. ----- Core components in the relationshp: Respect in the relationship means that you both hold each other in high regard. When you respect someone, you admire them for certain qualities they possess and/or the character they embody. Trust in each other means you take each other at your word. If one person says they’re going to do something, the other person assumes they’ll do as they say. If someone makes a mistake, the other person expects them to be honest and tell them. In fact, trust really just comes down to each person being completely honest with the other, even when it’s uncomfortable. Affection in healthy relationships is freely given and received. Healthy couples don’t need to remind themselves to show their partner that they love and appreciate them. They just do. And the recipient receives affection with affection rather than turning it away or taking it for granted. If physical contact and sex are important for the relationship, each person engages enthusiastically (of course, no one will always be “in the mood,” but for the most part, this should hold true). -------- Whatever mistake was made, a few things need to happen for the relationship to be fully restored: Give it some time. The sting of the mistake just naturally wears off with time. If you fucked up, give the other person some space to process the situation. If they fucked up, tell them you need a little time to think it over. Make sure it’s a one-time mistake. Acknowledging your mistake is one thing, but being responsible and accountable for it by committing to not doing it again shows the other person you’re serious about the relationship. Repeat offenders—when it’s something that truly threatens the relationship—should be avoided at all costs. The other person must be open to forgiveness (eventually). Even if some time has passed and the person who made the mistake has given an honest, true effort to never do it again, it doesn’t mean that the “victim” must be willing to forgive them. Marriage prep videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48saHSYfbsM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgI8vZdDky0 https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RMv0vMx-FMM -