Thoughts on living alone...

Living alone can have its pros and cons.... I spent a year learning "life skills"- being organized, taking care of myself, learning how to cook, paying bills/budgeting etc so this is much easier for me to already have a structure. Cons: Can be very lonely, especially after you get home and there's no one to greet you. No emotional support if things get hard. I need to get out- isolation and silence is not good for me. The idle mind is the devil's workshop- keep busy. Rumination thrives in stillness and inactivity- the mind with nothing to anchor it. Go for a walk. Notice the plants/animals. Work is a lot more , no chores are divided. Need to do Focusmate or something for yucky chores like dishes or folding laundry. Finances are also completely on your own- no one to share the finances with Can be HORRIBLE if you have no self discipline Need to make your own social life- go out, talk to people on the phone, etc. But still, not that bad. Have a hard time going to bed at a reasonable time. Pros: You learn to rely on yourself, and it's not as difficult as you may think. I can feel myself getting stronger emotionally. I'm not as fragile as I assumed myself to be and I can handle more things than I see myself as capable of currently. My capacity will continue to grow. That self-trust is enormous- being able to rely on yourself and know that I'm capable of taking care of me. I can build routines if I'm not good at things! I can improve! Things don't stay the same. You get to know yourself- if you're lazy on the weekend, then you pick yourself back up Monday and get into your routine- need a routine and structure, very important. FREEDOM- freedom to do whatever you want- which is less great then it seems. I just spent 8 hours reading a book on Sunday and no one there to tell me to stop or what to do. I found myself not taking meds or brushing, etc especially on the weekends. Not going out to exercise- I skipped both of my workouts. Not always good to have complete freedom. Also you have so many responsibilities that you don't have that much time. But then I also danced around the house completely unself-consciously and in a very silly way- not something I would be comfortable doing in front of anyone. Regarding anxiety- things really aren't as scary as they seem and you can survive anything - you have before. Can sleep as much as you want to without anyone saying anything. If you don't do the dishes or if they pile up, no one to say anything- which can be a bad thing. It's been really good for my anxiety/mental health though just because (1) I'm not ruminating on my unstable relationship and I'm getting enough sleep whereas before I wouldn't get any sleep because I was worried (2) no H to say things like "you'll pay for the consequences" which puts me in a spiral or things that destabalize emotional security (3) I'm not afraid of him telling me I forgot something. Which isn't a big deal anyways now- He tells me that I can tell him anything, and that he only tells me if I miss doing the pothu like 1 out of 5 times, but I've been burned badly before by his comments where he said he felt like a "caretaker" and I was a slob where I wasn't showering etc so I feel like I have to always be on alert or on edge to make sure I'm not regressing back to that because he's already had a bad impression of me before. Like I didn't do the dishes for like 3 days when he wasn't here- and I was completely relaxed and of course I did them because I have my limits on dirtiness as well. But if he was there, it would've been cleaned up before just because I don't want him to ever see me in that light again. But also because of that, I can't relax. And he's told me I don't have to worry about the dishes because when he's lived alone, they would pile up for a week! And the bathroom was even worse! And he's told me that humans are dolls that make mistakes- very different than initial conversations where "can't tolerate others mistakes" But you should want to clean because it's the right thing to do and mess is unhygenic to live in, not because he told you to, because it became a habit. And you do, you have a limit on your own mess. Counter: But you've changed in a year- that was you before and you definitely shower most of the time, and -- Now the test is can you have this level of relaxation when he comes back? -- The key at least for the last part: I've also been looking into Buddhism and really like what it has to say about- yourself being an island that you rely on, and being strong enough to get through anything. Not hoping for the world to be certain, but to have the capability and capacity to handle anything. And because uncertainty is not the enemy- a fixed, predetermined life where everything you knew was in your control would be a prison. The fact that things can change means things can get better. You lost your job but you got another one, and got promoted at that one. Uncertainty is the same quality that makes growth, surprise and renewal possible. Need to have Equanimity- Upekkha - stable quality of mind that is not destroyed by good or bad circumstances - like a deep ocean- storms rage on the surface but the depths remain still - You can care deeply about your job/relationship and AND are not destabilized by uncertainty about outcomes - Coming out from anxious attachment style to a secure style - Developed gradually through meditation- learning to let go of attachments - The person who has placed all their security outside themselves will always be anxious because they are dependent on what they can't control Also, it's good to get my mind off of H and make my life bigger than him. Then I'm not affected so much by what he says and the relationship. Good to no longer have the fear about him or fear about the relationship. Even if it's like 50 good/50 peaceful, living alone is like 100 peaceful. My mental health being good and me being happy and not "scared"/ruminating is worth way more than any free coffees/vacations that I get. Or even him telling me I'm pretty and desired. When codependent, I thought I needed that, but living alone, I don't. I don't need validation and I'm happy just doing my own thing and going out for walks, having fun, taking care of myself, exercising. I don't need "someone" to live with because I can't handle being alone, or I can't handle life without them. I'm happy alone, even in the lonely parts, and I can build my community and friends, especially if I live in a city, not St. Louis. I am able to build my own routine. I am able to give myself structure. I can take care of myself, I can cook, I can pay bills by myself. Taking someone's help is fine, but I can live without H's help. Not scary to live without H or parents. And I feel freedom and pride at being able to handle things by myself. Even hard things I'm able to get through. And dying alone isn't as scary as one might think- everyone eventually dies alone. Even traveling alone is fun- can be hard and exhausting to manage everything alone but Even when I lived in St. Louis for a month, my mental health was so much better and I was again rid of the anxiety. If it costs you your peace, it's too expensive.